


if i could fly

by felixsfreckles



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Poorly written, Self Harm, i hate long tags, im kinda sad now, not so platonic kisses, only at the end tho, only one scene, please dont read if your sensitive, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-16 03:40:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16077605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felixsfreckles/pseuds/felixsfreckles
Summary: in which felix bottles up his emotions until it gets too much.





	if i could fly

this had been the 6th time felix had messed up during their practice. the members had become increasingly worried for their bright koala like friend- he usually put the most effort into practice, though the others did too.

felix was so exhausted. he had felt as if he went to sleep he wouldn't be able to wake up, but once he did try to rest for a few hours to fuel up for the long hours of practice the next day, he would stay up, thoughts endlessly running through his head.

snapping out of his self pitying thoughts, felix bowed to his members in annoyance toward himself. "i-i'm so sorry, i can't seem to get this part right," he said, head still down low.

"hey, it's okay," chan lifted his head up- staring at felix with a sympathetic look in his eyes, "we can just continue tomorrow, you need rest."

at the time felix had just nodded and silently walked back to the dorm, but now sitting on his bed, freshly showered, he knew it had been a big mistake. the dorm was silent, the sound of his heavy breathing and the tick of a clock being the only distinct noises. the members hadn't come back yet and it was already 11 pm.

felix sighed and walked over to the small kitchen, he grabbed a glass of water and an apple.

'you shouldn't even be eating this late at night, that's why all the fans call you chubby' felix angrily thought to himself. and with that, he put the apple back and took the glass of water to his room.

sitting on his bed, the hungry boy scrolled on his phone until a loud grumble resonated throughout the room. he hadn't eaten anything the whole day with the exception of a banana and a handful of nuts. however, it was still too late to be eating anything now.

felix was contemplating whether to ignore all his instincts and just grab the apple or to save it until tomorrow and just go to bed with an empty stomach until a bunch of negative comments flooded into his head.

'you're seriously eating right now?' 'no wonder you get that much hate' 'why don't you just kill yourself, fatty?' 'you're just a burden to the group'

even then he couldn't ignore the hunger and went for the apple, quickly calculating the calories in his head. '52, not that much' he thought.

and with that the australian continued scrolling on his phone while munching on the apple, quickly finishing it before walking to the bathroom to get ready for bed.

the freckled boy caught his reflection in the mirror and frowned. the baby fat on his face still hadn't gone away, the freckles splattered unevenly gave a dirty effect, his eyes were too uneven, it was all a mess.

leaning down to splash his face with a bit of cold water, felix started to tear up. if not even the fans liked him, why would anyone else?

he stood up straight with a fuzzy mind and made a decision. walking over to the toilet, he bent down and stared into the water. 'i would be losing more weight if i got the food out, right?' felix thought, 'the fans would like me more'

he quickly shook his head and stood up, trying to clear up the negative thoughts that had possessed his mind. he knew he wouldn't stoop that low.

a little shocked from almost happened, the blond rubbed his left arm without realizing. no one had noticed, but under the long shirts he always seemed to be wearing were scars, littered all over the inside of his arm; scars old and new.

felix quickly started brushing his teeth, not wanting to deal with what was going on any longer. he mindlessly got ready, and into bed.

the anxious boy decided not to go on any social media, not wanting to read anymore hurtful comments. instead, he continued to watch his favourite k-drama, while you were sleeping. (pls watch it its good)

'you'd think after all the dramas i'd watched my korean would've gotten at least a little better' felix thought and laughed bitterly.

half an hour had passed and felix stopped watching and started to fall into a light sleep. he was right about to drift when the sound of a door opening and laughter filling up the dorm woke him up.

"shh be quiet, felix should be sleeping." a familiar voice scolded the group. a chorus of yes hyungs filled the silence.

felix smiled. he was glad woojin cared for him enough to tell off the group but at the same time he didn't want to ruin their fun. pushing his thoughts aside, he tried to sleep once more.

and it had worked.. for a little while. felix awoke in the middle of the night, stomach and head both aching. he had tried to ignore it, but after a while couldn't.

the boy got up and walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water (because in his opinion milk is absolutely disgusting). the lights in the kitchen were on and chan was there, working on his laptop.

noticing the noise, the elder turned and greeted felix. "hey, can't sleep?"

felix nodded. "why are you still up hyung? it's almost 4 am" the blond asked, clearly worried for the leader.

"gotta finish up this song. it's almost done but i'm stuck." chan sighed, stressed.

felix brightened up a bit. "hyung let me help you, please." his dream had always been to become a producer, but the thrill of performing on stage lured him in to become an idol.

"i don't think so, felix, you should go to sleep." the brunette denied.

"wow, what a hypocrite, hyung. just let me help you, please." the younger retaliated.

and so the two worked on the song for an hour, getting more done than chan could ever by himself. they finally decided on naming the song for you before the leader turned to felix and smiled, sleep taking over him.

"thanks, felix. you've really helped me out here. we should get some sleep now."

they both headed off to their rooms and laid down in bed. chan fell asleep right away, but voices ran through felix's head. hurtful voices.

'why would he even like your trashy lyrics?' 'he's a producer, you can barely rap' 'he was probably just being nice' 'he's going to restart tomorrow, you know you can't write for your life'

the usually bright boy sighed, but didn't get out of bed this time. instead, he lay in bed, giving in to the mean voices in his head. they told him he was worthless and couldn't do anything right.

the words cut like knives, his arm started to tingle and itch; this sensation only came when he needed to get his emotions out. they hurt even more when felix realized it wasn't just his own voice. the voices of his members, jyp, the fans, all telling him off.

the young boy's emotions started overflowing, out of control like a dam overflowing and bursting. tears sprang to his eyes and the boy curled up into a ball, unable to fall asleep as his mind was running wild.

felix didn't sleep that night.

he stayed up, trying his best to keep his sobs as silent as he could. he would beat himself up further if he had woken another member up from getting their well needed rest just for his own selfish needs.

it was 6 am and felix pretended to be asleep. he heard jeongin's alarm vibrate, feeling the soft footsteps of their youngest member waking hyunjin up. he knew they were going to start screeching soon, and braced himself for it.

sure enough, the loud shrieks started. he pretended to hazily wake up and beg for more sleep, knowing damn well they wouldn't have let him. it's okay, though, sleep was the last thing he wanted, but the members would definitely be able to tell if something was off.

they all sat at the table, freshened up and all begging for food. felix grabbed an apple and a bottle of water.

"felix you should eat more, you're getting thinner." woojin said, worried for the younger.

"i'll eat more at lunch, i promise." the blond assured. (spoiler; he doesn't)

the day passed by rather slowly. felix felt the energy drain out of himself from the lack of sleep and food. practice today wasn't much better than yesterday's -which to felix is extremely disappointing.

thirteen. he had been counting every time he had stumbled, been a beat late, forgotten what to do. felix felt conflicted. 'thirteen times. more than two times yesterday's mistakes. can you do anything right?'

the members had noticed something was off. when did felix start becoming like this? they understood he had been working his ass off for the past however many months, but now it seemed as it he just stopped trying. of course they missed the tired look felix had hidden with a cheerful mask.

in the middle of voices, felix couldn't do it anymore. and apparently neither could hyunjin.

"felix. i understand you're tired, we all are! but you can't just slack off in the middle of practice. the comeback's so soon, shouldn't you work even harder?? it's not like you to be acting like this, you should be trying harder than the rest of us! why'd jyp even bother to bring you back in the first place? it's not fair for the rest of the group to put up with this" hyunjin bursted out, face turning red.

the group was shocked at hyunjin's outburst, practice room turning dead silent. they had all wanted to confront felix about his behaviour, but in a calmer way. though in the back of everyone's mind they understood hyunjin's rant.

tears welled up in felix's eyes for no apparent reason. he hadn't sleep in 2 days or eaten anything, his emotions surely would have been fucked up by that alone.

bowing down 90 degrees, felix let out a rushed apology, trying his best not to let the others know he was crying. to the ears of another, it would've seemed like he didn't care about it at all, but woojin knew better.

the members snapped out of their trance the sudden event had put them in. changbin and chan went to hyunjin to scold him, but even hyunjin himself had been surprised at his own blow.

the eldest walked over to felix along with jisung and squatted down to talk to the younger boy. he was still in the same bowing position, but the other two could now see the tears rolling down his face and dripping on to the floor.

"hyung, i'm so sorry." was all he said before his eyes closed and his body hit the floor.. but it didn't. jisung saw and quickly caught him before anymore damage could be done.

the truth is, he had heard felix crying that night, he was just too scared to go over and comfort him. he thought every member had done the same before and it was just pent up stress, but now that felix was laying unconscious in his arms, he knew different.

the two alerted chan that they were bringing felix to the emergency room, and off they went, without hearing a single word from their very worried leader.

felix woke up to a faint beeping sound. he had recognized that he was in a hospital, but was too drained to do anything about it.

cracking an eye open and glancing around the room, felix noticed the members were all gathered in the room, asleep on the plastic chairs.

changbin was the first to stir awake and gather himself, meaning he was also the first to realize felix was awake too. the rapper knew he should've woken the others up but he wanted some alone time with his best friend.

"hey babe, how are you feeling?" changbin asked, concerned for the younger.

"tired." felix pouted. he didn't want to make them worry, but he also didn't want to lie to changbin. after all, they told each other everything.

"aww, do you want anything?" changbin hummed, prepared to get some food and water, assuming felix would ask for it.

"can we cuddle?"

changbin cooed. he knew a tired felix meant a clingy felix, but he really didn't mind it - in fact, he enjoyed their cuddle sessions just as much as the other.

the shorter crawled into the bed, even though they both knew they would get scolded after. changbin wrapped an arm around the australian and pulled him close. felix nuzzled his head into changbin's chest to get more comfortable. it was times like this that they really cherished.

soon enough, the pair drifted back to sleep. felix had a nice, peaceful sleep; the voices were silent, not tormenting him like they usually did, the young boy often startled himself awake.

jisung was the next to wake, pouting after finding changbin and felix snuggled up together. he eventually got up to get felix some food and water for when he woke up, all while grumbling about how he was such a good friend.

the members eventually got up one by one, felix and changbin being the last - not after intense teasing from the others, however.

the atmosphere was thick, even though they tried hard to ignore it. hyunjin stepped up to Felix's bed and took a deep breath, but before he could speak, felix interrupted. "actually, uh- could we talk about this at the dorm?" his words were soft spoken yet his were fierce.

hyunjin had no choice but to agree.

at this point, you could cut the tension with a knife. honestly, the others expected the younger to forgive hyunjin right away, but the words hyunjin spoke were quite nasty. felix's elimination wasn't easy for the boy and hyunjin knew that.

the nurse had walked in at the worst time, but it was a good distraction from what just went down.

"he has seemed to have passed out from dehydration and malnutrition. make sure he gets enough food and water and let him rest for a bit. just sign the papers at the front desk and you can leave." and with that, the nurse turned around and left.

the group did as they were told, all wanting to be out of that hospital as soon as possible; the strong smell had been driving them insane.

the car ride on the way home carried just as much tension as the hospital room did, but nothing could compare to what was going to happen in the dorms.

as soon as they got back, hyunjin brought felix to their shared room. what surprised the others, however, was how easily the australian complied. though they made sure to stay by the room just in case anything happened.

"felix, i know what i said was wrong, i only got 4 hours of sleep that night. i understand elimination is a hard thing to talk about for you and i acknowledge my mistakes. can you forgive me?"

felix stared at him incredulously. "i might be taking this too far, but how much sleep do you i got that night? i couldn't fucking do shit that day and i don't know why. i hadn't sleep in two days or eaten over 100 calories. but of course, you didn't know that, no one ever bothers until i tell them."

"felix, c'mon aren't you making a big deal out of this. i already apologised just let this go-"

"no. you didn't apologise. sorry didn't come out of your mouth one single fucking time-" the younger interrupted.

" fine, you want to know why i never fucking apologised?! i think you're fucking pushing your problems onto all of us. no one here should have to fix whatever problems you're going through. you don't think everyone here has had some bad thoughts?! huh? i didn't fucking apologise because i mean that i said in the practice room-" hyunjin glared.

"i fucking know you did, hyunjin, and that's why i'm making this such a big fucking deal." felix retorted, eyes welling up with tears. he whipped his head around, ready to stomp out of the room.

hyunjin seemed to snap out of whatever trance he was stuck in to even get those nasty words out of his mouth. he was horrified and disgusted at himself yet he couldn't bring himself to regret it, even though he know it was wrong.

the taller reached out to stop felix to pull him back, a tight hold placed on the younger boy's arm. he flinched pulling it back and cradling his arm to his chest, squatting down low and rocking back and forth. he mumbled for the voices to stop, to leave him alone.

hyunjin noticed what was a happening and came to a realisation.

'that's why he would stay in the washroom for so long without even using the toilet, why he always wore long sleeves even if it was steaming outside. how did no one notice this??" the taller got wrapped up in his thoughts.

chan decided for some reason to burst in now, immediately going into leader mode seeing their bright friend on the ground. he initially thought he had accidently hurt his arm or something but once he got closer he had the same epiphany as hyunjin and the rest of the group apparently.

they all rushed towards the crying boy at the same time, every single member worried right down to their core. felix rushed out of the room, pushing away everyone that was trying to help. the members could hear the bathroom door slam and all tried to run to help but chan stopped them, told them it would only intimidate the delicate boy.

the older australian calmly headed to the bathroom, though his heart was pounding out of his rib cage. he knew he had to be gentle to felix.

chan gently tapped on the door, "hey babe, you in there?" the older could hear a whimper through the door soon following with soft sobs, something dropping onto the floor, and water running.

a thousand thoughts ran through chan's head, his heart was pounding. 'please dont be doing what i think you're doing' he pleaded. without warning, he kicked the door open to a sight that broke his heart.

rushing in to embrace the younger boy, chan could feel tears forming in his eyes, blurring his vision.

felix was sat on the floor in a heap, sobbing. his arm was poorly wrapped in a bandage, red seeping through, a bloody razor sat right next to him. the sink was running, flushing out the reminders of what just happened.

changbin rushed in despite chan telling him not to. how could he when his best friend could be doing god knows what. once he saw what was happening he immediately ran up to the younger and tried to comfort him.

the two both had the same, regretful thoughts running through their head, 'why didn't we notice this before?'

after what felt like ages of felix apologising relentlessly, he eventually gave in and became too weak and tired to cry. chan and changbin both hugged the weak boy tight to their chests. they got him to explain absolutely everything.

and felix did. he started with how much the elimination affected him, even if he never showed it. he continued to the self loathing thoughts when he got added back in; the freckled boy thought the other members were much better than him and that he didn't deserve to be there, that he would only drag them down.

next were the hate comments. they called him weak and selfish for getting added back, then how he tried to lose weight because of the comments. he told them all the times he thought about hurting himself, and the times he went through with it.

by the end of all the sharing, chan and changbin sat there, dumbfounded yet still comforting the boy. they whispered words of encouragement, not wanting felix to be in pain ever again. they had thought everything was okay, and never stopped once to think the sunshine smiles the australian boy produced were fake.

the rest of the group rushed in after the explanation. they were by the door the whole time, but still let the two have their own privacy. they bombarded the golden boy with questions, yet trying to keep it to a minimum.

felix didn't leave this time, however, he stayed and explained. the least he could do was tell them everything. eveyone was crying, but the loudest was hyunjin. he rushed up to lix and held him so tight yet gently, as if he was made of glass. "im so sorry, i was so fucking selfish to yell at you like that. you're the best dancer i know and i love you so much." he sobbed.

felix hugged him right back. "its okay, jinnie. im sorry for overreacting that much. what you said was true, im only going to drag you down. i'll work harder next time. ill get better, i promise."

this only made the rest of the group cry harder. they had known the boy was self conscious and pushed himself as hard as he could, but they never knew it was to this extent.

"no no no, felix sweetheart. it's not your fault. don't ever apologise for something like that. i shouldn't have yelled and just confronted you like a normal human being. you are so amazing at everything you do." he rambled.

"felix. don't ever put yourself down like that. you are so fucking talented why can't you see it?" woojin added in, motherly tone coming through, despite the profanity that snuck in.

"you're the bestest friend anyone can have and your hugs are the best. i'm sorry i never helped you." jisung wailed, voice echoing through the bathroom.

"please don't ever speak about yourself like that again, lix, alright?" seungmin said gently.

the rest all reassured him, helped him clean up and bandage his arm up properly. they all made sure to be as gentle as they could, not wanting to hurt the healing boy. they brought felix to the nearest bedroom that happened to be chan's.

the blond ended up being wrapped in forty layers of blankets and couldn't move at and if he tried, he would end up falling like bowling ball and not be able to get back up. they also changed him into a cute giraffe onesie, which he grumbled about but actually looked hella cute in. (they all cooed and took a billion pictures).

"lixie, i promise to never let you feel that way ever again." jeongin stated loudly, meaning it with all his heart. and with that he leaned over to give the freckled boy a soft peck. they were used to giving not so platonic kisses and the whole dorm knew felix loved them more than anyone else.

"no fair, innie, i wanted to kiss him first." whined jisung. he then proceeded to lean over and give felix a big smooch, in which the said boy scrunched his face up in mock disgust.

"move out of the way bitches, he's my best friend." changbin said, shoving the squirrel like boy away. he looked all tough going into it, but placed one of the softest kisses felix has ever experienced.

before the bundled boy knew it, the whole group was showering him in kisses, ranging from his cheeks, forehead, hair, nose, lips, everything. the best part was that felix couldn't escape even if he wanted to, he really didn't though.

a face appeared before the boy, startling him a bit - it was hyunjin. letting out a soft screech, felix felt himself tilt back a bit from the shock, ultimately rolling all the way back in the end.

someone let out a snort, minho probably, and the whole group broke out into laughter. felix was trying his best the sit back up, but nothing was working. hyunjin ended up having to pull him up when the members felix pleaded for help to were too busy laughing to bother.

"can i kiss you?" hyunjin asked out of the blue. felix smiled one of the largest, most endearing smiles they have ever seen. his eyes scrunched up cutely and his teeth were on full display. everyone stopped and stared in awe.

hyunjin took that as a yes, as felix hoped he would, and leaned in. felix wouldn't tell this to anyone, but hyunjin gave the best kisses in his opinion. his lips were usually decently soft, though the cold weather affected them sometimes. overall, he liked how gentle the kisses were, almost ticklish.

before he knew it, plush lips were align with his own, lingering longer than any other member.

"we get it hyunjin, stop showing off." jisung retorted, throwing a pillow, aiming for hyunjin.. though it didn't quite hit him. jisung's aim was pretty shit and ended up hitting the last person he would want it to, felix.

said boy absorbed the impact with the endless layers of blanket, but somehow ended up falling over once again. the rest of the group erupt into laughter; the atmosphere was comfortable and light, just like how it's supposed to be.

"you guys fucking suck." felix grumbled, face mushed into the blankets.

"you know we love youu" jisung singsonged.

"unfortunately."

**Author's Note:**

> this is so poorly written i want to restart but it took like 4 days to write :^((  
> its so much longer than i was going for
> 
>  
> 
> cross posted on wattpad btw


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